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  • Politically correct taken to a whole new level.

    written by

    james

    It’s official. My cousin has very nearly as warped a sense of humour as I do. This has snerk written all over it. Thanks, Trish. No, really. Thanks.

    Dear Employees:

    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

    Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

    Number 1

    TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

    Number 2 TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

    Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this by?

    Number 4 TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

    Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

    Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with… INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

    Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

    Number 8 TRY SAYING: That’s interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

    Number 9 TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

    Number 10 TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

    Number 11 TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues… INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

    Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

    Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

    Number 14 TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

    Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

    Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

    Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

    Number 18 TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

    Thank You, Human Resources

    Clearly, the individual who came up with these is in need of additional taskings. Or, in english, has too much f_ing time on his hands.

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  • So much for fair play. Thanks, Ontario soccer league.

    written by

    james

    Remember when you were always being nagged at to play by the rules or you’d wind up watching instead? Anyone? There are 10 girls on one local soccer team who won’t be getting that lesson–and 10 more who probably wouldn’t mind if they did. After using a player during the season who wasn’t listed on the team’s actual roster, the Louis Riel Rebelles were shocked to learn they’d been disqualified from the tournament that was taking place this week. So shocked were they, and so put out in disbelief that such things would actually be frowned on, the school took the league to court–and, surprise, had the decision overturned. The decision came down only a few hours before the tournament in Hamilton was to begin. The team they replaced? They got to find out after already sitting in Hamilton for the games. Ten grade school girls got to hear from their coach, “Thanks for coming out–oh, and by the way, you’re not playing today. The court said so.”. Fair play? Not in this league. So another group of kids gets to learn all about our definition of follow the rules, and they all lived judicially ever after. Way to go, Ontario.

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  • Your attention please. Coffee and pickles can give you cancer. Oh yeah–your cell phone, too.

    written by

    james

    So a new World Health Organization (WHO) study came out earlier this week potentially classifying your cell phone as a class 2B carcinogen. In other words, possibly carcinogenic. In simpler terms, potentially cancer-inducing. Yay. Go World Health Organization. In response to this, the 80 millionth study declaring such things (soon to follow: the 80 millionth study declaring the opposite), Ontario’s NDP would like to see warning labels indicating the things are potentially linked to cancer slapped on any and all cell phone by the manufacturer. And now, Ontario’s government is investigating the issue. For a little perspective, the Ontario NDP–and potentially our liberal government–is investigating the results of the World Health Organization’s having just potentially tossed cell phones into the same category as, we’ll say, coffee. Or pickles. And now it’s time for warning labels. Watch this space. Next month, beware of early morning caffination–it’ll kill you. Only in Ontario.

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  • Capital Taxi just gained and lost my business in the span of a week. Good job, boys.

    written by

    james

    Capital Taxi, a local company here in Ottawa, came recommended from a few folks we know around these parts shortly after we moved up here. I suspect those folks will be reconsidering their choice after the events of the last week. It all started on Tuesday, when a local blind man was out with his wife and son taking care of the business your typical family would need to take care of–grocery shopping, running to the bank, all that lovely shtuff. The cab driver, who has not been named but who drives taxi number 637, was dispatched to pick up the family and take them home. Upon seeing the young man’s cane and sun glasses, the driver proclaimed he doesn’t pick up disabled people. David Labrecque ended up finding alternative means to get home. As for the driver? I made some calls, as did Shane after writing his own post on the subject, and got very little actual response. The company wouldn’t Id the driver, or comment. The on-duty dispatcher didn’t even know about the issue, or so they said. And of course, nobody knew the mysterious driver of taxi number 637. So I left a call in with the Ottawa bylaw office–to which they had yet to respond–for the relevant information on the driver in question. And then, the decision came down–the anonymous cab driver would lose a day’s pay. No, sorry, he had already lost a day’s pay having had to attend the investigation. Capital Taxi would be doing nothing further re: this issue. This stuff can’t be made up.

    The Ottawa bylaw request is still pending–and will be followed up with on Monday, first thing (somebody should probably remind me). There will also be an open letter in the near future, addressed to the Ottawa Sun, Capital Taxi, and in true James open letter format, posted to this blog. Hopefully, that open letter will include the name and relevant information of this mysterious driver, identified only by a number |(cab number 637). In the meantime, local readers are strongly advised to stay as far away from Capital Taxi as humanly possible. If left with no other option besides Capital Taxi, local readers are encouraged to put off what needs doing until another option who isn’t Capital Taxi presents itself. Capital Taxi, you have just lost my business. And I’m only just getting warmed up.

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  • Introducing Jets 2.0!

    written by

    james

    Make it Seven gets its wish, and we get Jets, the sequel. It wasn’t Hamilton, and it didn’t pull the poor Coyotes out of Phoenix, but for the love of God, we’ve got a seventh team. And it’s in Winnipeg. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again–it’s about damn time. And rumor has it the team’s name will be, as folks have hoped, the Jets. Welcome back, Jets 2.0. Plese remind my Leafs how to play–before I have to contemplate jumping ship. Please?

  • Popular posts (May, 2011).

    written by

    james

    Something has gone tragically wrong. No, seriously. I’m wrapping up the month of May, which has been insane with a side order of OMG, and it’s only the 3rd of June. Have I finally knocked off this whole slacking thing, or is there perhaps some connection between this and the fact I’m writing this post while sitting on the coutch in my epically awesome living room–which, for the first time in the history of my having my own place, is actually a living room and not half an office? Further investigation may be required. The month of May has, though, been insane busy in the insane. Complete with what might almost be called an OMG right now emergency move for which, after things officially fell into place and didn’t have a gigantic questionmark wrapped around them, I had a grand total of a week to actually arange things. Still, nobody died in the aranging of this move–and we might actually be able, for the first time ever, to save a nickle or dime here and there on ODSP. Bloody miraculous and warranting vodka. And hey look, I have vodka. I also apparently managed to find plenty of content, both mock-worthy and not so much, to post about–before and after the move. Readers found some of it quite interesting, but appeared to still be interested in posts from earlier, most noteably during my small war with ODSP. Here’s a look at what most interested folks in the month of May, as always, brought to you by Google Analytics.

    • We were trying to sort things out with the Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP) in the month of April, so we could actually manage to aford to stay where we were, nevermind where we are now. ODSP was having none of it, though, and–my case worker, at least–tried to be as vague as possible about it. That resulted in more than a little frustration, and an eventual police threat of sorts. It was never acted on, but it did prove just how twitchy ODSP gets when they’re called out for being a little crooked. I’m still waiting to see how that develops, but am not holding my breath.
    • Every time I’m anywhere near Ottawa, I put together a gigantic list of things to do. And I usually end up getting most of them crossed off while I’m here. I gave it a good start, having not even been here too weeks yet. Not bad for a return to familiar territory.
    • I nearly had a shopping list of hardware issues on my primary machine. Nearly. Except for that part where I didn’t. Turned out instead it was a fairly new virus. It took me the weekend to clean up from, and research showed me it didn’t have time to be fully adapted to, but I’ll be the first to tell you, it very nearly provoked a phone call to Dell–for the second time last month.
    • On the local blog front, I was able to implement a few nifty little changes to the blog in my few minutes free post-move, and they seem to be fairly well received so far. Those changes include updates by email. Go ahead and subscribe–it’s been rather widely tested. Coming soon, updates to particular categories by email. Yay?
    • And finally, it’s not always good news out of the NHL camp. Just ask the owner of a Montreal shawarma joint who owes $90000 in perceived damages after creating an ad for his restaurant that supports the Montreal Canadians. I always said supporting those bastards from Montreal aughta be illegal, but I wasn’t thinking copyright/trademark illegal. Way to go, NHL. I’m still wicked impressed. Except no not really.

    That’s May in a nutshell. Now, let’s see if I can remember more of this Rogers TV lineup. On the list of mockery? Protesting the throne speech. That’s 2011 ambission at work. And that’s probably mock-worthy.

  • The “A Network” is dead. Will anyone miss it?

    written by

    james

    I used to watch the local “A Channel”, back when it wasn’t called the “A Channel” and actually had semi-decent broadcasting. Then CTV got a hold of it. Then CTV started slowly eating away at it. Then CTV started opening stations in markets that used to be primarily served by the “A Network”. Now, after pretty much weakening the network to the point where I’ve lost interest in watching it, CTV’s killing it off, rebranding it CTV Two. It’s supposedly going to be primarily reality/comedy series, with its news broadcasts being renamed CTV news–which begs the question, what’s happening to the original CTV news? Question has to be asked, though. With the exception of the occasional passable programming that airs at odd hours when nothing else good happens to be on, will anyone actually miss the “A Network” as it is? Will anyone happen to switch to that network for their news source, assuming CTV kills its news broadcasts on their primary stations/network? CTV Ottawa and/or A-Channel Ottawa, I’m staring right at you. We don’t need two CTV Ottawa’s. Just sayin’.

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  • The latest thing to be made politically correct? Sexual assault. Thank you, TSA.

    written by

    james

    I’ve mocked the Transport Security Administration before. Strangely, doing so has resulted in less of an uproar than mocking ODSP folks. Of course, it also hasn’t changed much. In this most recent case, the TSA continues to insist it’s perfectly A-Okay to be very intimately groped during a preflight search–in spite of the fact if they’d done it outside of a security checkpoint, the groping officer would be sitting on the other side of some very thick metal bars right about now. Now, though, it’s not just A-Okay. Now, it’s apparently the politically correct thing to do. Want proof? For that, I take you to Texas, where the government there has threatened to make these pat-downs illegal in the state. In response, the justice department has equally threatened to ban all flights out of Texas. Yessir, you just read that correctly. Don’t approve of the searches? Tough cookies. You either start approving or don’t fly out of texas. They started approving real fast. Way to go, TSA. Just way to go. Anyone else want another reason to take the bus?

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  • Snerk

    written by

    james

    It gets used. A lot. By me, at least. And I’ve been asked on half a dozen occasions what in the seven levels of hell the thing means. So, as a result of 30 seconds of boredom after grocery purchases, have this. Urban Dictionary, you are my adiction.

    Verb or Noun: Small sound that is emitted through the nose and mouth, usually a compressed laugh or snort. Often accompanied with a small grin, smirk, or
    sneer. Usually a tone of either derision, (as when someone says something you find stupid) or innocent humor. (When someone tells you a funny joke and
    you are busy doing something else, so a full-fledged laugh is difficult.)Nice to use behind other’s backs, as when they do something inanely stupid and
    you can’t help but laugh about it, but don’t want to fall over laughing.
    Holding my lunchtray in one hand and balancing my fork, I snerked as Caroline delivered the punchline of the dead baby joke.

    When the girl in front of me pointed at the Mustang and said, “Oh, I like that Camaro.”, I had to snerk discreetly.

    There. Now, when next I’m seen somewhere *snerk*ing at some random bit of brainless, don’t ask what the hell *snerk* is. Just join in. Trust me, it’s way more fun.

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  • I don’t think I’ll fall in love with this iPhone.

    written by

    james

    I was out doing things that needed doing, that will eventually warrant their own entry if I ever get around to doing something that doesn’t involve news article mockery, and I got to where I needed to do the mobile version of multitasking. Which, for those who don’t do it very often, involves doing something with one hand (in this case, I think, I was putting something away for Trish), and trying to navigate the insane that is Apple’s obsession with the idea that people who can’t see the screen absolutely have to know exactly where everything is on the screen to be able to use it with the other. Now, I like to think I can do a passable job with it in most cases on a good day, particularly since I’ve had the thing now for about a month and for a couple days during the move, I had that plus the laptop as my only means of actual communication. I can at least not take 10 minutes to find what I need to access anymore, anyway. But trying to translate that into being able to use it the way most people who don’t have a lot of time to be sitting/standing in one place for long need to use their mobile devices? That’s just not happening. Navigate the screen one-handed? Try again. Navigate the thing without a headset? Sure, but I’d recommend doing it with the phone flat in front of you or, if that’s not practical, up side down–the speaker is in a very, and I do mean very, crappy place (Apple, are you taking notes, here?).

    I’ve never been an overly large fan of the way Apple’s designed their user interface–for the sighted, nevermind the blind. And don’t even get me started on typing with the thing–that’s an entry for after I’ve had sleep. But this evening’s adventure in interface navigation succeeded only in reinforcing the already enforced idea that such a thing would require a third hand. Making or answering calls? Awesome. I can, in a sort of pinch, manage that without putting everything else on pause–done that more than once. But if I wanted a make and receive calls device, it wouldn’t be made by Apple. I wanted a phone I could use. For on-the-fly whatever–email, texting, bouncing random passing thoughts off of my lately rarely used Twitter profile (I did once, when I had 5 minutes to not do anything), or just general reviewing of info while enroute somewhere potentially meaningful. I’m not feelin’ it with this device. Yeah, great, it talks without costing me an additional $100. Thanks for that, Apple–no, I mean it; my wallet thanks you. But where’s the rest of the plus?

    I like the iPhone–for a phone. I could get used to it for other things, with enough brain breakage–except that typing thing, but I’m investigating options. But I’m not in love with this iPhone. Nor, I think, will I ever be–not quite. It’s a device with potential. With the right kind of tweaking, there could be some reality to that potential. But for what it does? I’m not in love with it. For a thing that’s supposed to be the future of smartphones everywhere, that’s a small problem.

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