And now, the obligatory “where the hell did these come from” link dump.

One disadvantage of forgetting you put this thing up here so you can write and/or be snarky in your own space on your own time is running out of that second one and forgetting you still have that first one. The end result, besides the fact that I almost always end up neglecting to post just about everything, is I have a fairly large stockpile of things I keep meaning to throw down over here and my list of things to do (TM) never gets that far. And this is how we discover the art of the link dump.


When not even a doctor’s note is enough. A Michigan catholic school dismissed a 12-year-old girl for not meeting their attendance/academic requirements–in spite of the fact she was in line to pass anyway. Her excuse for not attending classes? recovery from cancer. clearly that doesn’t fly in Michigan. do better next time, or else.


When academia goes snap. Teachers put up with a lot of BS. My networking professor, finally, got fed up and warned a section of our class yesterday that if they didn’t kindly shut the hell up while she was talking they’d be removed–she used nicer phrasing, naturally, but they got the point. That doesn’t work so well in Texas, apparently. To the tune of one university prof failing the class on principle. How bad do you have to screw up to get an F for participation at the university level?


Some people’s parents. a Columbus mother decided now would be a fine time to teach her son a little respect. So she had him arrested. Now she’s a pushover and he’s either afraid of or distrusting of the cops. Good call, mother of the year.


They don’t make them very bright in Montana. Police in that state post a mugshot on Facebook. Owner of said mug clicks the like button. Owner of said mug gets arrested. And that’s what we call a routine day at the office.


Rental ramsacking. I’ve said it before, though probably not here. I don’t mind renting. I like it more than I’d like owning my own house, if I’m being entirely honest. But if I can get away with it, I will never rent a basement apartment–or, for that matter, any apartment–attached to someone’s house. The reasoning for it is simple. They decide to move out and sell the place, you’re screwed. And if they decide you’re not moving out fast enough, they’ll help you in the most expedient way possible–and you’re screwed times two. Stick with a rental company instead if you value what remains of your sanity–though maybe not this one.


And finally: What happens when the jailer takes a nap? Anyone who’s anyone’s probably heard of Megaupload. They’re in, let’s say, a wee bit of legal trouble at the moment. So much so, in fact, that the US government took control of their various domain names. Which you’d think should be game over. Except somebody fell asleep at the switch. The Megaupload domain names are now, shall we say, slightly suspect–and not because of any proven or otherwise piracy. Hey, DoJ guys? I’m available and my rates are reasonable. Call me. The NSA has my number.

I have more content than I do brain power. Ergo, link dump.

I keep meaning to post here semi-regularly. I keep not posting here semi-regularly. You’d think I’d learn. since I haven’t, have a small list of the junk I’ve been collecting that I’ve planned to do useful things with and haven’t. there is going to be an actual entry up here eventually. With actual content. And opinions. And probably some mockery. … This is not that entry.


Kids these days. So entitled to all the things. You’d swear they get it from their parents. And when you have parents who’re perfectly fine with billing a kid $24 because his family had plans that kept him from showing up at a birthday party, you’re probably not wrong. Yeah, sorry. turns out I won’t be able to make next year’s party either.


This is why I would make a particularly crappy criminal. Ideas like breaking into a store through the roof just sound on basic principle like the kind of thing that can only end not good for you. Particularly when you’ve already provided enough warning that the police are, well, waiting for you. I’m no expert, but that probably could have been better executed.


I may mock Alberta for many things–like, say, its recent choice in government–but in some cases I can only give them points for common sense. In this case, if you happen to be a teenager driving like an absolute braindead idiot, the local police can and will call your mom on you. If his parents are anything like mine, I’m laying odds he still can’t sit down. I’d hope it helped, but something tells me I know better.


And lastly: It’s never worth all that effort to bust into a cacino and try walking off with an ATM. the risk is almost always not even worth the reward. Particularly when the offending ATM is, well, quite empty. I wonder if they looked as stupid on the surveylence video as they felt when they got the thing open.


And now for something completely different. Things that aren’t links, but hardly warrant entries of their own–particularly now, when they’re considered pretty much footnotes anyway. In list format, because duh.

  • Montreal got the boot from the playoffs. Yay woo. I was getting tired of hearing about them after a week.
  • Calgary got the boot from the playoffs. That… was moderately surprising. Shouldn’t have been. But they had a decent run. Still doing better than Toronto. Or Ottawa. But no one cares about Ottawa.
  • Alberta’s considering either a minimum wage or a minimum income, or both. I hope they give that first one a try. I also hope it works. That gets its own entry when I get to it. whenever that is.
  • And in obvious news, quebec politics is once again being Quebec politics. but at least Gilles Duceppe’s back. I was due for something slightly more consistent to snicker at.

Next time, there might actually be content. Unless I get lazy again. which is probably slightly more likely. But we’ll pretend I don’t ever do that kind of thing.

Link Dump 2.0

I have exam brain, and there’s a back and forth happening re: one of my courses and accessibility related shinanigans. It’s fun, in that way that leaves me with far more content than I have brainpower on a Sunday morning. The result? Link dump. Enjoy, and if it breaks, you can keep both pieces. I promise something vaguely resembling content will show up here eventually.


I’m an on-again-off-again fan of Wikipedia. It’s a useful springboard, and it’s wicked easy to see why people prefer that over the more traditional ways of doing the do. It’s just as easy to see why people would rather you didn’t. What I’d still be interested in seeing is a better alternative. Any takers?


Oh, Ontario. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more braindead you had to go proving me wrong. Again with the “distracted driving is wicked evil cruel and must be legislated” kick? For real? Yeah, not gonna say another word. Of course I’ve said that before. that’ll learn me.


Remember the ALS ice bucket challenge? sure you do. Stupid idiot gets challenged to either donate money for research or pour a bucket of ice water over his head on video, but preferably both. Stupid idiot accepts challenge. Stupid idiot gets iced. Stupid idiot posts the video online, possibly challenging someone else. Stupid idiot gets arrested for being a stupid idiot and broadcasting his location to anyone who wants it–while there’s a warrant on his head. Wait what? Yeah, I’m quitting humanity.


The NHL’s toying with me again. First it was relocation (welcome back to hockey, Winnipeg), now it’s expansion. And Toronto still doesn’t get a real alternative to our poor Leafs, I’ll put money on it. relatedly, who plans for a hockey team in Vegas? Seriously, I know people who know people who want to know.


Keurig invents new coffee maker. Keurig locks down new coffee maker. Keurig sits back and watches everyone else unlock new coffee maker. You saw it coming. I have nothing more to say.


And lastly: What do the NFL and the typical highschool education have in common? If you said absolutely freaking nothing, you are probably at least twice as smart as whichever genius dreamed up the idea of teaching fantasy football in school. Seriously, where do they find these people and why am I still unemployed?


And that’s the end of that, at least until it’s not. Now, about those accessibility shinanigans…

I have links and little actual content. So, link dump.

Also because I haven’t done an explicit link dump in… oh… since well before this version of the thing existed. I’ll think of something constructive to put here later.

If anyone’s got a little extra money to burn, there’s a family in texas with a how-to guide on doing it efficiently. Or, you know, you could just hand me that money. That could work too. Probably be moderately more productive.

Facebook figures you could use a hand with your sarcasm/snark filter–which you don’t, presumedly, unless you’re this guy (that’s sarcasm, by the by).

I hate the word “selfie” with the passion of a thousand suns. It’s braindead, it’s stupid, it’s immature, and it passed ridiculous about a week after I first heard it. Which is still doing better than some of the folks who use it. Somebody please restore my faith in humanity. Please? I’m waiting…

On second thought, nevermind. Humanity’s screwed. But at least this one has no shame. Should probably make arangements to find some, though.

Well. That’s better. Now, where’d I actually put the thing I wanted to write about…

Here’s your sign, v3.0.

Stupid people doing stupid shit will never, ever end. Here’s hoping stupid people being told to advertise their stupid shit by way of a stupid sign lasts even half as long. In the latest episode, we’ve got us a moron from Ohio who thought it’d be fun to mock one of his neighbors and her disabled kids. For his efforts, the judge in the case slapped him with a stupid sign.

An Ohio man is sitting on a street corner with a sign declaring he’s a bully as part of his sentence for harassing a neighbour and her disabled children.

A judge ordered 62-year-old Edmond Aviv to display the sign for five hours Sunday. It says: “I AM A BULLY! I pick on children that are disabled, and I am intolerant of those that are different from myself. My actions do not reflect an appreciation for the diverse South Euclid community that I live in.”

The Northeast Ohio Media Group reports that Aviv arrived at the corner just before 9 a.m., placing the hand-lettered sign next to him as he sat in a chair. Court records show Aviv pleaded no contest to a disorderly conduct charge.

And the trend continues. At least this shmuck had enough smarts to, you know, not bother fighting the thing. Proving once again that even for the stupid, there’s still hope. Until that hope does something productive, however, here’s your sign.

Does anyone else remember cherry coke?

Largely back when I was in highschool, and I think for a while after that, you could almost never walk into a store and not find either cherry or vanilla coke on sale. Usually for cheaper than the regular stuff–which worked well enough for me, on account of I actually preferred that over the regular stuff. Couldn’t tell you why, but there you go. Both were discontinued in Canada several years ago, for reasons I can’t even remember now, but you can still get both pretty near any time you want from the US. So when I decide I’m in a mood to, I’ll bribe someone coming across the border to throw a case or two in the back of their vehicle and make it appear at my front door. Or, you know, if you’re May and will be in the states anyway, just stick some in the suitcase and back you come with it.

Very few people I talk to even remember we had it up here, though. Which, considering their reaction to the idea of it, comes off as surprising–I’ve heard things to the tune of “Hey, that’d be an awesome combination” and the such. So I got curious. Was it just mainstream enough that I managed to catch it, but obscure enough that pretty much no one else gave it a run? Or do folks just need to get out more?

I wouldn’t be disappointed if they decided to start bringing things like that back again. And considering they’re at least talking about bringing back drinks I hadn’t even heard of, I don’t think it’s entirely out of the realm of possibility. In the meantime, though, anyone on a return trip from the US feel like taking a stopover in Ottawa?

Games you should probably not play on the internet: “Name My Baby”.

Okay, I get it. I really do. The internet is an absolutely amazing resource, most of the time. Hell, I’ve done many a research paper/essay/general futzing around project with all kinds of help from the internet. But there are just some things you don’t want to leave up to a mess of people you don’t know. Like ever. Well, unless you fancy the kind of folks who find it hillarious to send a relatively (*) well-known rapper to a Walmart in Alaska. One of those things, probably *the* thing, you may not want to inflict the internet on is the naming of your kid–see also: previous disclaimer re: if you’re a fan of those types. On the up side, at least the dad behind the deal kind of knew what he was getting into. On the upper side, the selection of names that were suggested could probably be worse. Rather, it could have very probably flopped spectacularly. It didn’t, which is absolutely freaking awesome. Yes, even if the names they chose for her turned out to be a mouthful. I really hope they’re not the type of parents to bust out the full name when she ticks them off–or, you know, that she learns not to do that quite so much. Getting your tongue around that can’t be doing your irritation levels any favours…

Win A Jailhouse Wedding!

So, let’s say you’re Vincent Condron. Let’s say you’ve been ducking under the legal radar for the better part of six years, on account of there’s a warrant out to have your ass in handcuffs because you went off and did something braindead stupid. Now let’s say you played it smart the last several years. Laying low, keeping quiet, straightening yourself out, and just generally–well, you know–keeping yourself the hell out of trouble. Or, failing that, out of the country. Now let’s say someone from Britain, who just so happens to be the country having the warrant out to arrest your ass, catches your eye. You probably aren’t going to put yourself and your new fiance up for public enjoyment in that country and lead the cops pretty much right to you, right? … Please note: if you agreed with this, take a bow. Then, consider yourself smarter than Vincent, who apparently won himself a wedding and proceeded to land his mugshot in the local paper. Which landed him in handcuffs. The good news, for him and his new bride at least, is they decided not to actually lock him up–apparently, ho hum, he’s a changed man, now. The bad news? If he’s not a changed man, somebody just bought them a jailhouse wedding. I’ll let you consider that for, oh, just a moment. Okay, time’s up.

Wonder if he’s still waiting?

I’ve heard of praying for a better break in life. Hell, I’ve heard of just praying for the mysterious discovery of a qwerky rich relative who just so happens to have $40000000000000000 sitting around they don’t plan to do a whole lot with. Somebody’s apparently decided to hell with this mess and is cutting out the middle man. By way of google. And it gets me this.

Apr 26 6:06am: Jesus could you please deposit

I wonder if our poor lost soul’s still waiting on that check…

Rob Ford gets the remix treatment. I may or may not still be snickering.

So. When you’ve escentially been cornered and forced to admit to smoking crack by way of every single one of your denials blowing up in your face, you pretty much can’t go any lower, right? Of course not. It’s when your public life, scandalous as it might be, becomes the very material worthy of a snerkwhile remix that you pretty much can’t go any lower. See also: Rob Ford yesterday, versus Rob Ford today. Very quite probably the best kind of spin ever put on a Rob Ford the Crackmayor story. And I didn’t have a damn thing to do with it. It’s not embedded, so RSS and email types should have no problem grabbing it. stream and/or download the thing at will–I don’t think it’s covered under copyright.

Hat tip to KiSS 92.5, who actually put this thing together. I only wish I coulda been there for the mashing.

Update: And right on the heels of this one, a remix of Ford’s crack confession hits Youtube. This one’s an embed, unfortunately, so if you’re reading this by way of RSS or email you’ll need to click over to the site and smack play. but it just might be worth it. You may suck as Toronto’s mayor, but you’ve got a future in what passes for modern music, Rob old chap.

In which someone gets all offended by garlic ice cream.

You may or may not remember me making mention of a restaurant in San Francisco trying what I figured to be a questionable ice cream recipe. Not, you see, that I have a problem with garlic. But in ice cream, I think that might just be a little much for me. It was apparently way too much for one googler. Their solution? Well, you see…

Feb 18 2:58am: go to the stinking rose and shove all the garlic ice cream up my ass

One actually has to wonder if the one what landed here figured that would be an improvement. One also has to wonder if I should be keeping an eye out for potential charges of indecent offenses committed with an almost food item. Oddly, I’m not really any more likely to decide to get adventurous in the garlic ice cream department. I, er, wonder why…

Did you find what you were after?

The search engines have conspired to ruin me. Or at least screw with my head. I was just beginning to gloo together a post on how since SSL encription became the standard with places like google, keeping an eye on stats for amusement reasons has become just slightly less amusing. And then along comes our friend the sexual deviant from India. And our sexual deviant friend from India drops this into the mix.

Oct 20 11:27am: water fuck

I don’t even know where you were trying to go, pal. Really I don’t. But I hope you got there. Just please remember to at least pretend to use protection. Fake it if you have to. In the meantime, remind me never to think about accusing the search engines of conspiring to deprive me of amusement again. Well, at least until 2014.

Update: He searched for water porn, and instead discovered my no hot water rant. From 2007. And folks said google didn’t have a sense of humour.

And sometimes, politicians and their staff amuse me.

Could also have been titled: This is precisely the snark I was looking for.

I mock politicians and the folks they hire on a semi-regular basis. On the blog, on Twitter, in person, you name it. But every so often, I have to give them their due. It’s a little late–and by a little I mean pretty much half a year, but I just got round to reading and doing something about this. Someone, apparently with a hugely awesome amount of time on their hands, actually petitioned the US government to build a death star for national defense. That self-same person got over 30000 other people with awesomely huge amounts of time on their hands to sign it. The result? The White House was legally required–this was before they raised that requirement to 100000–to respond to that petition. And respond, they did. Oh good lord did they ever.

Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.

This Isn’t the Petition Response You’re Looking For

By Paul Shawcross

The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:

.The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
.The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
.Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship? However, look carefully and you’ll notice something already floating in the sky – that’s no Moon, it’s a Space Station! Yes, we already have a giant, football field-sized International Space Station in orbit around the Earth that’s helping us learn how humans can live and thrive in space for long durations. The Space Station has six astronauts – American, Russian, and Canadian – living in it right now, conducting research, learning how to live and work in space over long periods of time, routinely welcoming visiting spacecraft and repairing onboard garbage mashers, etc. We’ve also got two robot science labs – one wielding a laser – roving around Mars, looking at whether life ever existed on the Red Planet.

Keep in mind, space is no longer just government-only. Private American companies, through NASA’s Commercial Crew and Cargo Program Office (C3PO), are ferrying cargo – and soon, crew – to space for NASA, and are pursuing human missions to the Moon this decade.

Even though the United States doesn’t have anything that can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, we’ve got two spacecraft leaving the Solar System and we’re building a probe that will fly to the exterior layers of the Sun. We are discovering hundreds of new planets in other star systems and building a much more powerful successor to the Hubble Space Telescope that will see back to the early days of the universe.

We don’t have a Death Star, but we do have floating robot assistants on the Space Station, a President who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon, and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which is supporting research on building Luke’s arm, floating droids, and quadruped walkers.

We are living in the future! Enjoy it. Or better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field. The President has held the first-ever White Housescience fairs and Astronomy Night on the South Lawn because he knows these domains are critical to our country’s future, and to ensuring the United States continues leading the world in doing big things.

If you do pursue a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field, the Force will be with us! Remember, the Death Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Paul Shawcross is Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget

You know, if they’d put the money they’re sinking into things like the NSA into stuff like this instead, we might actually have something here. And to think–the only folks who may or may not have been mocked to write this thing are, well, the folks what gave that petition legs in the first place. Now, if they’d just get on with providing federal funding for the development of a replicator a la Star Trek, good things just might happen. Like the ability to download a pizza. Hey–I’d download a pizza.

Is this thing on? … And other asorted bits.

So I meant to do this thing more often and yada, yada, yada. Now I’ve got a nifty little empty where most of July’s random bits of I have no idea what should be and absolutely nothing to put there–except, well, more random bits of I have no idea what. Story of my life. And a play on a thing in a game I started not really playing–but that’s another entry, if I can ever remember to get to writing it.

I’m starting to get back into things I used to do somewhat regularly, including that whole school thing. Or rather, chasing people around with regards that whole school thing. It seems if one wants to take an online class in geekery from a school explicitly set up for teaching that material to the visually impaired, the door’s wide open. If you instead want to take that self-same course, regulated by the self-same company, but at a local college and still in a somewhat accessible format, step 1 is build your own door. It’s what a geek gets for wanting to actually be out of the house a while to get shit done, but you’ll have that. So I’ve got emails in with people, who’ve got their own emails in with people, who’re having a meeting or two with other people, who’ve got emails in with other people, and yada yada where’s my vodka. It’s kind of fun, if you don’t mind the occasional migraine. I’m used to it, so whichever. Just educate me already.

On top of that, I’m still tossing stones into the job market just to see what hits. So far, I’ve gotten a handful of automated “thanks for your application” emails, and… That appears to be about it. Well that was productive. I’d probably get a little farther if I had something to toss on a resume that was a little more recent than, say, 2008. Which I’m working on. Also: see above.

I’ve been back and forth to Pembroke a handful of times over the last while. And Pembroke’s come to me a few times, which is always nice. Still not even close to used to living in this house, and I’ve been here since the end of freaking January. The fact that I haven’t actually lived in a two-story house since I was in highschool might have a vague kind of something to do with it. And the fact it belongs to me–well, in about as much as a thing you pay rent on belongs to you–might be something else. I’m used to apartments. Namely, the ones in which you can throw a rock from the front door and, if aimed right, can hit your footboard. Which was every apartment I’ve ever actually paid rent on up until about last year, so this is a thing that needs adjusting to. On the bright side, it doesn’t toss me for a loop quite as much when I end up spending a couple days at mom’s. My only complaint with this place is it doesn’t come with AC. Of course the fact we’re not paying extra for heat easily cancels out that complaint, particularly in about mid-February when the very thought of going outside is enough to make you wrap the blankets around you and forget you had plans for the day. It’s a nice place, and I don’t see me leaving it any time soon, but good lord does it take getting used to. Apparently it also takes an age to properly furnish, but you’ll have that. It’s not like we’ve got a use just yet for the rooms with nothing in them anyway, so this works. Related: I have my entertainment room! Now just to add the entertainment.

Other things have happened that I could have probably mocked, but then promptly forgot I was going to. Let’s see. List format? Why, sure.

  • Remember all that talk from Toronto on how this was the year for the Bluejays, and they were heading for at the very least a .500 season, if not some postseason activity? Remember how they tossed all this money into a rebuild during the offseason, got a bunch of people with decent to good numbers, stuck them on the team and said “Go own the damn field”? Remember how in May people were saying it’s too early to write the team off yet? Yeah. Is it still too early?
  • Dear 16-year-old me. For reasons of integrity, dismiss any and all thoughts of entering politics. Better yet, add any and all thoughts of entering politics to your personal blacklist. And for crying in the sink get back to figuring out where the school network’s single point of failure actually was. Hint: you were close when you traced the connection to a router in the basement. Hey–it could be worth something someday. And by something, I mean probably more than $90000 from Harper’s chief of staff.
  • I now have positive confirmation. It’s not other people’s children I have a problem with. It’s other people. There’s an entry on that floating around amidst a tangled wire or two. I’ll go find it and get back to you.
  • The more I read, the more I’m convinced not actually moving to the US when I was being told things were much more stable/flexible than they are up here was probably the smartest decision I ever made. Well, okay, second smartest. The smartest has me right where I’m at now. The more that slides across my desk, the more convinced I am that the US constitution, by both major players, is just a thing they toss out to shush the masses. And they say our government’s whacked.
  • Related to the last, but still somewhat separate. The NSA’s still lying, still spying, and still lying about spying. And every word of this blog post has probably just been copied to that datacenter they’ve got going on in Utah. Hope yall enjoy the read, folks. Do drop by and say hello once in a while, yeah?

So that’s life and mockery if you’re me. Now. Where’d I put the essay I was working on for those college professorial types?

On the NSA: 2013 Obama versus 2006 Biden.

Because we’ve had very little actual debate about what the hell the NSA’s in the middle of and if we even really need or want it there (thanks bunches, secret courts of secret interpretations of otherwise not so secret laws), somebody thought it might be fun to create one. So now, we have the 2013, pro-NSA Barack Obama versus the 2006 apparently anti-NSA Joe Biden. And just for the record, the 2006 side wins. If it wasn’t for the fact he probably won’t be in politics after the 2014 election, I’d be placing bets on how long before someone uses this in an ad campaign. Ah screw it. Who’d like to make a wager?

In which truer words were never spoken.

And every once in a while, somebody drops by and leaves me a something I can relate to. This is the last 5 years or so, roughly summarized. And it needs to be said–I couldn’t do it any better myself.

Nov 26 12:10pm: nowhere is hiring

Truer words were never spoken, young googler. By the way, could you use a geek? I’m cheap…

Don’t Say Gif.

This only maybe matters to 1.25 of you, but I found it vaguely amusing. Since the day of its creation, no one could decide whether the .gif file format should actually be pronounced as it’s spelled, or as JIF instead. For whatever reason, the guy what invented it was remarkably silent on the topic–until recently. And he’s apparently quite offended that so many have so willingly mispronounced the word–apparently, the J way’s the right way, and he’d like for people to start using it right the hell now thank you please. Personally, I’ll stick with saying GIF. Sorry, dude. But because somebody thought quickly enough to mock the hell out of it, and because I can’t hope to be that good, have a Youtube video. If someone could steal a screenshot of this and send it to me in JIF–er I mean GIF–format, that’d be awesome. Readers of the RSS or email variety, jump on over to the site and have a watch. I’d make it available to you in your reader of choice, but flash says no. Blame Adobe. It’s good for you.

Dear Amy. It was a wrong number. Signed, God.

Most of you have probably already seen some variation of this. The owner of Amy’s Baking Company, in arizona, figures cooking is what she was born to do. She remains so convinced of this that she started, with help from her husband, a restaurant. Just one problem. Pretty much no one who’s ever been there, including the staff, agrees. That hasn’t stopped her, of course, from proclaiming this precisely what God intended her to do–and creating no fewer than a dozen lables for everyone under the sun who’s ever disagreed.

So when Gordon Ramsay, of Kitchen Nightmares fame, agreed to do an episode about her restaurant, she took it as a sign from God. Sheff Ramsay, she said, would prove all the hateful haters who hate dead wrong. Except, of course, for that small part wherein just no (note: Long video is long. It’s why we’re not embedding it here, thanks much.). Instead, everything folks were saying was wrong with this restaurant suddenly became wrong with this restaurant on national TV–and, now, on Youtube. And her reaction? Just keep screaming, screaming screaming. then play the appology card and announce the grand reopening. Because, you know, that works so well.

It must absolutely suck to go for a PR boost like that and have it absolutely blow up in your face. I mean not that I’d know, not being brainless enough to 1: continuously bang my head against a thing I just plain suck at and 2: nearly strangle myself with denial of the reality that I really do suck at it. It’s why you don’t see me anywhere near the kitchen in any capacity but the helpfully helpful. But you do have to wonder at what point it becomes apparent that God’s calling for you might have been a wrong number. If you’re Amy, it might aughta think about being somewhere around now. Mostly because I’m sure even he’s running out of ways to tell her.

Brought to you by a long weekend with time on my hands.

So, I’m sitting here nomming on supper, and a thought sort of pokes me in the eye. Well, okay, there’s also that one that says I’ve done this whole neglect the blog thing again, but that one’s always there. Especially when I find things to mock, put them aside, even download local copies of mockables just in the event they run off, then promptly forget to set aside the time to mock. But this one, just for the sake of being there, decides there will be no forgetting to write. And, well, far be it from me to ignore, well, me.

I now have proof. We, as a society, have blown right past screwed and are cruising for a permanent spot in hell. And the fool doing the driving’s got a piss poor sense of irony. Let’s line things up.

  • First, a near strike by workers at the LCBO, that only comes to a miss at a little bit past 10 on Thursday night. Keep in mind, they don’t call this May 2-4 weekend for no damn good reason–there’s drinking involved. Lots of it. Well, unless you’re me (I should really fix that). So a strike, by the only folks in Ontario legally allowed to sell anything other than beer, on the weekend where a lot of people tend to go through a lot of anything other than beer, tends to be a wee bit problematic. More than a few people more than likely spent a chunk of Thursday emptying out the store before the boozepocolypse. Which reminds me–I expect to see that $50000000000000000 noted in a much smaller budget shortfall, Ontario government. Lowering the provincial half of the HST wouldn’t hurt either.
  • That was the warning shot. Then, on Friday morning, most of the province–and apparently as far out as Cleveland–was earthquaked. Measured around 5.2 at its center, so the folks say, with a 4.2 aftershock about 10 minutes later. No major damage, but then, that wasn’t the plan. That was strike 2.
  • Strike 3 happened in Toronto. No, I’m serious. And it’s been happening all weekend. And it’s not about to blow over, on account of the guy at its center’s up and stuck his head in the sand. No, he will not be named. He need not be named. It explains itself.

Strike 3 Image source: Toronto Savvy

You’ll note I’m staying clear away from anything involving Ottawa, senators, Ottawa Senators, and things named Duffy. These misformed beasts can be lumped together under the heading of collateral damage. Not that the train wreck we get to watch now isn’t damage enough all on its own, but you’ll have that. So where does that leave us? Welp, if the conspiracy theorists are right, next comes the firing squad and folks sitting on disability support get a special spot at the front of the line. Me, I prefer to look at it from a different perspective. We’ve all got a one-way ticket straight to hell. Bright side: someone else is doing the driving, so if yall don’t mind too terribly, I think I’ll go get started on the drinking. Hey, it’s cheaper than moron insurance.

This post brought to you by fill in the blank.

I swear one of these days these’ll get old. That day is not today. From the land of the Google, we get a partial statement. And it even has a degree of truth to it.

Nov 14 11:05am: welfare and odsp create jobs

… For any aspiring social worker, whether you’re actually qualified to be one or not, depending entirely on your definition of qualified. Oh, you were meaning they create jobs for their recipients? Well–no one’s offered to hire me, yet. On second thought, perhaps a call to my case worker’s in order…

Because Ottawa doesn’t have enough of that small town feeling.

One of the things that keeps me close to Ottawa is that it’s got all of the convenience of a major city, but the atmosphere of a small town. More often than not, that’s a thing that kind of comes out when you least expect it. Like on the first weekend of actual warm weather, when I’m sitting here working on I forget what, and out of the blue, completely from absolutely nowhere–or maybe just around the corner, comes a thing I haven’t heard since I was, we’ll say, 13.

Apparently, I’m not sure if it’s this part of the city or just this community, but somebody from somewhere drives an ice cream truck. And at about quarter past 8 on Saturday, the thing sat in front of my house for a good 20 minutes. Over top of the music, I swear there must have been a good dozen kids out there at any one time. I was halfway tempted to go nab something, if only because again, not since I was maybe 13. Sadly that required both money and the motivation to find something that would have been appropriate to wear even in my front yard, given what would have been my extremely close proximity to the afore mentioned dozen kids. And since I wasn’t sure I had the first and couldn’t be arsed to find the second, I contented myself with sitting here listening. Because really, that’s probably the second best sign of summer in existence–second only to the only solution to 35 above freezing being a vanilla milk shake at a temperature approximately 35 below freezing. That having been said, though, if it’s not a one-time thing I’m storing a stash of quarters in my sock drawer. Because signs of summer, dammit.

I spent 5 years, we’ll call it, in Ottawa altogether, not counting the year I spent in small-town exile. And until now, I had absolutely no clue such a creature even existed in the city–although I did find other small town style things to be mildly impressed at. It’s the kind of thing you don’t much hear about in the major cities, like your toronto, or your Vancouver, or places like that. It’s what Pembroke could potentially be, if it wanted to be. And it’s a thing that goes awesome well with baseball–provided the team what plays the baseball actually shows up (Sidenote: thanks for yesterday. More, please.). And the thing only took 5 years to find. Because huge small town city is huge, and it almost comes off like several smaller towns all slammed together under one moderately disfunctional city council.

Because I can’t hear a thing without sharing, and since this is pretty much what I got to hear for 20 minutes on Saturday, and because my ability to record what I heard was sharply hindered by my lack of decent recording equipment, combined with the above mentioned lack of motivation to find me something worth wearing in that close proximity to kids, have your very own ice cream truck. Because signs of summer, dammit. Yes, even if you’re one of the 7 people still shoveling your driveway this morning (PS: Better you than me.). Anyone have some spare quarters? My sock drawer’s looking a little empty.

Search query, or dating ad?

And sometimes, I keep things around simply because somewhere out there, there probably is someone desperate enough to have tossed this into a legitimate dating site’s search system. With, er, probably about equal results, now that I think of it.

Nov 5 10:52am: hot ass pembroke ont

Somehow, pal, I’m pretty sure this is not the EHarmony you’re looking for. Nice try, though.

A thing. Because Friday, and my brain’s still sleeping.

Besides. I’m pretty sure someone’s trying ti impress me. Well, finding a way to do this and not get caught would accomplish it.

Oct 30 4:50pm: how to get everything you can from odsp

Let me know how that goes, why don’t ya. In the meantime, I’ll be over here making sure they don’t take what we’ve already got on account of cost cutting. Oh, yeah–and trying to wake my brain. Where’s my caffeine?

Add this to the ODSP wish list of things that ain’t happenin’.

From the way back department, a thing that would be useful. Very useful, actually. Which makes it all the more likely it’s just not about to happen. Considering the love (*) we’ve been getting from the government of late, I’d be inclined to think useful things for ODSP folks take a back seat to useful things for executives in the healthcare industry. But, since we’re being wishful and all that, have a thing.

Oct 24 7:33pm: do i get extra money for christmas when i’m on odsp

Good idea. Won’t ever be seen. Same with extra money for just about anything else–like a phone bill, even though not having one makes trying to do anything useful with ODSP a very interesting little exercise in migraine. Of course, I’d love to be proven wrong–there *is* a budget coming down in a week. Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

(*): The government does love us. Or rather, they love to hold us up as a statistic they’re fixing while all the while fixing to do not a whole lot about this mess. But hey, why split hairs? We don’t need all that fancy stuff–like, you know, rent flexibility. That junk’s for the working class.

Happy April fools day. Please bring coffee.

It’s amazing how involved folks get with the whole april fools day idea, even right down to doing things that honestly wouldn’t be surprising–hey, Google killed their Reader platform, so it’s not completely beyond the realm of possibility for them to off Youtube. And with the day being 3 hours old, I’m already highly amused. Why? Well, let’s see.

  • Youtube dies a death today. All along it’s been a contest for the awesomest video, and it goes see ya later while the judges pick a winner. I knew I should have downloaded that Jeff Dunham video.
  • In Youtube’s place, Google’s beta testing a new product, called Google Nose. Finally, I can make the office here smell like the outdoors without the risk of opening the window and freezing my everloving ass off (hi, still nearly 5 degrees out, nice to see ya). Also comes in handy if it happens to be -40 and you still want that freshly cut grass smell.
  • Apparently Google’s the only one taking an early start at this whole gag product thing, but hey it’s worth it. Kind of. especially if you happen to like the colour blue–and maybe want your entire email system to reflect it. Personally I’ll stick with my self-hosted email, but hey–somebody might just sign up for this one.
  • Because everyone pretty much has been dumbed down to LOLSpeak anyway, Twitter’s offering the LOLSpeak edition of its service, TWTTR, for free. Meanwhile, the grown-ups who actually want to continue forming proper sentences, complete with non-missing letters, will be paying $5/month. They’re also offering the ability to extend your tweet limit by an additional character, for a price depending on the popularity of the character you need (*). A mighty fine way for me to actually put some missing punctuation back on the end of some of my damned tweets. Hey Twitter, let’s talk.

And it’s Google 4, the rest of the world 1. Not bad for a thing that only just started. You should probably disconnect your internets if you don’t have a reasonably good bullshit filter, at least until 12:01 Tuesday morning. Things should return to normal around then. Normal, and baseball. Mmmmm…. baseball.

(*): I’d actually not mind seeing a feature like this. And paying for it. Though, I’d be interested in maybe a discount for all the Tweets who’s ending pounctuation I had to lop off just to make the damn thing fit. On the other hand, perhaps that’s why it’s on the April Fools list–Twitter’d be paying *me* money.