Every time I come to Ottawa, whether it’s to live or visit, I always have this wicked huge list of things to do. And almost always, within the first week or two, I end up making a sizeable dent in that list. Which is exactly why it is they should absolutely never let me anywhere near Ottawa. Reasons this is bad for me include, but are not limited to:

1. Random, most-of-the-day walks that take up more distance than most people could see themselves walking and still being healthy
2. Stops along said walks to occasionally collect random bits of random, in photo form



3. Popping into random specialty stores just to see what they’ve got on for cheap that’s semi-original (hint: there’s a crap ton)
4. Yet more walks, with yet more photoworks, with yet more scenery



5. Yard sales–every second weekend, on every second block
6. Random crap picked up at said yard sales, for cheap–like my new coffee table (it’s on wheels)
• Or the old coffee table, which doubles as a temporary TV stand (it cost me a dollar, 5 years ago)
7. Grocery shopping, sans the actual shopping–hey, I’m lazy, and I hate shopping
8. Milano Pizzeria–no, seriously, if you must have pizza, you must have Milano
9. And oh yeah, yet more photoworks



10. And I guess that whole employment thing doesn’t hurt, once I figure out what that is

If that’s a week in Ottawa, no freaking wonder the previous 2.5 years just kinda sailed by at warp speed. I know this much about Ottawa on my second time around, at least–I’ll definitely get back in shape. Now, then. Where’d I put the rest of my to-do list?

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Anyone and everyone with an ounce of geek is probably sitting in their respective corner and snickering. Today, if you follow the timeline from the Terminator movies and TV shows, is the day Skynet officially becomes self-aware. If we cling to that timeline, 48 hours from now the world will be crawling with wicked evil crazy psycho killerbots. And the surviving population of Ontario would probably fit in this room. Where they’d be coordinating a counterattack–and probably getting their asses kicked. Shit am I glad this isn’t actually the Terminator timeline. Now where’d I put my computerised brain…?

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Ah, Canada’s newest leader of the liberal party. always good for a rousing speech. A well-placed pep-talk to the masses. A tiny bit of amusement. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t aiming at that with this last appearance. For a little context, the below video is of a speech he gave to a group of his supporters this past week. Readers of the RSS/LiveJournal variety may or may not need to click over to the actual site to see it–sorry.

I’m not entirely sure if he was intending to channel Springsteen in that speech or if the reference to him was just coincidental, but well, er, it kind of fell over either way. So the folks over at Newstalk1010 in Toronto thought it might be fun to give him a hand with it. They put together a clip of his speech, with “Rise Up” by the Parachute Club as the background. Kind of puts the video above in a different light. I got my hands on the audio of that clip, which will join the video of Ignatieff’s speech–you’ll find that below. Again, readers of the LJ/RSS variety may or may not need to click over to the actual site to listen.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

I’m told they didn’t need to make any adjustments whatsoever to Ignatieff’s timing or the music to make this fit. Coincidence? You be the judge. Amusing either way. Now to figure out if he’s trying to be a politician or a revolutionary.

H/T: the National Post’s Full Comment section.

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The parental units have found themselves with dogs for as long as I can remember. They’ve got two of them now–yeah, okay, so one’s mine, oh well. They’ve taken off for the weekend to do whatever they do when they take off for the weekend, and left me to keep the creatures from tearing the house apart in their absense. Which comes with its very own, double-edged benefit. The pups are awesome judges of the day’s weather–it could be just barely above freezing, but if it’s forecast to be into the 20′s (I’m using Celsius, for the curious reading from the US side of the border–hey, it makes more sense) at any point during the day, it’s guaranteed any outside time they get today–and they usually get a lot–won’t go quickly. Yesterday, they were in and out an average of 10 minutes. but yesterday, the weather threatened to suck out loud. So far this morning, none of the trips outside with them have been anything less than half an hour–and all of them have ended with me escentially guiding them back into the house. Hey, I gots stuffs to do, here. I’m convinced if I let them, they’ll very happily spend the day outside doing whatever they do when they’re spending the day outside. Only problem is, if they’re outside, so am I–another dog day entry for another dog day, I think. So I’m out there every hour or two, for between half an hour and an hour, until such time as the weather starts sucking again. It’s great–gives me something to do that doesn’t involve housework or draining the laptop’s battery for the millionth time. I’ll just be going ahead and changing my mailing address to be my parents’ front yard, that’s all. Hey, at least the view’s decent.

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Steve and Carin over on this blog pointed me in the general direction oof 11 things the bible bands, but you do anyway. I have no idea what’s more amusing–the list itself, or some of the comments back and forth under it. Clearly, the pro-biblers missed the point entirely. And, also clearly, that whole bible thing? Just a suggestion. You don’t actually have to do it. Just don’t tell that to a thumper.

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Reasons why I should not be allowed the kind of access that lets me see what people are searching for that draws them to this here thinggy type thing include, ut are not limitted to, I might feel slightly less wrong for some of my views as they’ve been written. Take these two, for instance>

Apr 1 1:30pm: “fuck the job market”

Sing it loud, sing it proud, brother. I’ve said that way too goddamn many times to count. And I’m still not any richer.

Mar 31 8:20pm: bloc quebecois “illegal party”

God, don’t I wish. Either run a caidate in every riding or don’t run federally, goddammit. But, such is the Canadian constitution. Hey, we can’t do everything right–though some of us try aweful damn hard.

Yeah, clearly I have too much time on my hands. I need something to do.

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The following things should, in fact, be restricted from both myself and Shane for the safety of the general public.

• Any kind of network access whatsoever
• Most forms of access to the internet, or at least the less legal portions of the internet
• Any and all versions, local or otherwise, of dropbox–this includes, but is not limited to, the Dropbox website

The reasoning behind it? Uh. We’ve just managed to find a very interesting and quite creative way of putting any and all of the above to our advantage–in quite possibly the most dangerously lethal way possible. Also known as the absolute quickest way of getting material sent to multiple directions without causing mass amounts of headaches. Clearly, we absolutely must be stopped. For our own good.

PS: Sorry, Jessica. We’ve made your computer a casualty tonight. See? Told you it was dangerous.

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So yesterday was the epic get-together of win. A dozen of us crammed into one of the local restaurants and pretty much had a table or two entirely to ourselves, and an epic server of awesome to boot. Why? Simply because we could. There was me, Jessica, Heather and a whole crap ton of others, most of whom I’d never even seen before then, sitting around a huge table, eating and generally doing all manner of cutting up. The layers of awesome just kept coming–and so did the very nearly doubling over laughing at quite probably the absolute most random crap going. The food was awesome, the friends were epic, and when I came back to the apartment last night, I honestly questioned for about 10 seconds how the hell it was I’d be fitting through the door. It’s been a small age since I saw that many people get together and no punches were thrown. And the flirtation, oh the flirtation. I’m convinced that was half the hillarity in and of itself.

Everyone was all in general agreement last night we should do that more often. Which probably means I need to start inventing money to get myself back down here for another one of these parties. And, well, hell, because I can–why not? I have all kinds of reasons to keep coming back here, and surprisingly–or perhaps not, if you’re keeping score–not all of them are Jessica-related. Just most of them. This stuff keeps happening, I’m gonna start to wonder just which of my two apartments I should be staying in. Now to get through the week so we can do something just like this all over again, except potentially with a different group of people and for possibly different reasons. This should get real interesting real fast.

Related: Heather, we’re getting you a blog. Yesterday. Because we can. Yeah, I said it. Wait for it.

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We discovered completely by accident over the weekend that Rascal Flatts is coming to Rochester at the end of the month. Not normally being ones to make plans that far in advance, and looking for an excuse to cellebrate neither of our having been confined to the bed for the majority of this week, we thought we’d take full advantage. So yesterday, while the fiance worked her ass off, I punked a couple tickets for the event. If you’re in the Rochester area on the 24th of this month and don’t have anything else to do, they play at the Blue Cross Arena. There are, last I checked, still decently priced tickets available. If you’re going and want to sneak in a quick hello pre-show, give a shout out. For the interested, the show starts at 7:30–bring your love for country music and optionally some booze.

Yeah it’s still 2 weeks early, but to get us in the mood for it and, well, to interest anyone else who may be considering, have a random RF video. Readers of the RSS and/or LJ variety may need to click over to the actual site to watch it. Sorry–limitation of technology. In the meantime, bring on the party atmosphere. Where’s my vodka?

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On my multiple trips south of the border, one thing almost always hits me. You guys down there love your Starbucks nearly as much as, if not more than, we up here love our Tim Hortons. I’ve yet to actually figure out why, specificly. Well, okay, beyond the fact that in the late fall/early winter their gingerbread and pumpkin lattes are freaking amazing. But seriously, aside from that, what draws people in nearly insane masses to the store? Is it the $5 for a large coffee? Is it they have their own, fancy shmancy words for things like, y’know, large? Is it that if you ask really, really nicely and they like the way you’ve thrown yourself together that day, you can help yourself to a tiny little pastry thinggy to go along with your $5 other word for large coffee? Genuinely curious minds would love to know. Well, either way you slice it, for whatever questionable or not reason, yall are madly adicted to Starbucks. In honour of that, and in honour of the fact the entire month of February will be spent in the land of $5 other word for large coffee, I’ve dug up this other word for short tribute to $5 coffee. Enjoy. And please, if you can spare some time for that other place what’s trying to move in on Starbucks’s territory down there–no, I don’t mean Dunkin Doughnuts, throw a dollar or two in that direction. Your wallet–and the unfortunate Starbucks newbie standing behind you–will thank you, for vastly different reasons. And so will I.

My Starbucks tribute.

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According to a recent poll, the Senators are done. Not just done, but according to the Ottawa Sun article, toast. So say 66% of fans questioned in the linked article. Uh. What was their first clue?. It’s been said before, and it’ll be said again. The Stanley Cup will never go to Ottawa. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch my Leafs try hard not to lose this game.

Related: Have a random video. Embedding is apparently not an option–the rat bastards–so have this instead. Go Sens go! And take the Canadians with you.

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As eventful for some as 2010 turned out to be, it all lead up to last night–at least as far as we were concerned. It was the last night Jessica would be spending here, and well, we were long overdue for a party. That meant pizza, beverages of choice–we did coke and coffee, music, and a thing that vaguely took the shape of a year-end radio show. Except for those parts where it fell all over the floor and kind of stayed there. Then, we somehow managed to survive long enough for today to get here and it was off to the bus station to return Jess to her side of the border, however unwillingly. From my own perspective, I started off 2011 much the same as I did 2010–Jessica hung out here, and we just did the laid back party type thing. The only difference was Shane saw fit to join us, and for the purpose of that mass amount of breakage that called itself a show, Byron drove the year-end countdown. It’s been easy since, what with the family taking the long way back via my aunt’s place from the bus station and then me subsequently flopping over and staying there for a few minutes. Still, after last night, and this past week, I think it’s deserved.

If you missed last night’s show because you actually had the good fortune to have a life, you’re lucky. But if you still want to experience that which we affectionately call brain breakage, it’s been rather haphazardly dumped over here. I’ll warn you now, this thing is definitely not fit for public consumption. But since when is anything else I’m involved in? Hope your New Years thinggy was as much fun as ours was. And I really hope this thing doesn’t break the archive system. I don’t even like doing tech support for our own crap for free.

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Whoever said the Christmas holidays were made for relaxing and taking it easy has clearly not met me, my fiance, or my family. busy is probably the understatement of the century–or at least the year. After Jessica showed herself on the 24th, it’s been pretty well non-stop. christmas morning at home, then with the parents for visiting, food, gifts, food, conversation, food, food, and food. Shane joined us for the food and we all gained 25 pounds overnight. Jess and I also tagged along to the grandparents beforehand. after the appropriate amount of stuffing ourselves, we took off downstairs for movies and were later visited by the brother and his beginning family. Then we came back here and were escentially useless until boxing day.

Next morning it was up and gone, and early. The parents needed a house sitter, and Jess and I needed something to do. So, we all got what we wanted. We stayed overnight at the parents’ place, and subsequently missed the first post-Christmas hockey game–hey, LeafsTV? Get yourselves on basic cable/satelite. I mean right now. Got back from that semi-late, so didn’t cause much more mayhem. We saved that for the next day.

Tuesday was the thinggy of doom, which according to certain people actually wasn’t entirely too broken. If you actually listened to the thinggy of doom, I’m very, very sorry. No, seriously. So sorry, in fact, that I may just throw another post up here once I’ve sufficiently blocked it out of my memory with the archive link. We may or may not do another thinggy and call it a year end show. We will, if we do, do it significantly less drunk than we did the last one. That incredibly broken one. I’m still sorry. No, really.

As a result of that thing that broke so horribly all over the place, yesterday does not exist. No. Not a chance. It’s gone. we were all pretty useless for most of the day. So useless, in fact, that we’ve done something that, in this house, has never happened–put on coffee at about noon. When most of us were semi-conscious. If by semi-conscious one means looking vaguely like a dress rehearsal of Dawn of the Dead. And then, after we thought we’d sufficiently blocked out that thinggy of doom from our memories, we listened to the archive. Yes, it really *is* that broken. There were parts of the archive in question all three of us had to listen to again just to make sure what actually happened actually happened. Yeah, it broke. Badly. We’ll never do that again. Until next time.

Today’s been easy. Playing catch-up after the holidays, getting things ready for stuff that may or may not happen at year’s end, and generally continuing the recovery process. That’ll probably continue right up until we end up sitting back and watching our poor hockey team get trampled on by Columbus. I forget exactly what we did at the end of 2009. With a little luck, I might remember pieces of what we did at the end of 2010. Say hello to the most chaotic time of the year. But damn if it isn’t wicked nifty cool. Now, excuse me while I go back to it.

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I grew up on country. That’s kind of no secret–my parents, several aunts and uncles, a few friends were all into the stuff. I’ve expanded my musical tastes beyond it, but I’ve always had a place for country music. If I hadn’t, though, I think hearing this group might make me rethink the idea. They don’t do a lot of the typical “he cheated on me/left me/hurt me/whatever” type music the older country’s known for. Most of their stuff could fall into categories of either party music, or easy listening. Of course, if you’re more used to the head banging metal type stuff this probably won’t do a hell of a lot to change your mind, but give it a listen anyway–what the hell else are you gonna do on a Tuesday morning? Here’s a sampling of their music, in Youtube format, for your consumption pleasure. You may not like it. I do, so have this. Readers of the RSS or LJ variety may need to click over to the actual site to see the video. Sorry–blame the technology.

Sugarland – “Come On, Get Higher”

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According to a recently released poll, “whatever” is the most irritating word currently in use. Apparently, it’s even more irritating than the word “like”, when less than appropriately used. How that happens I have no idea. But apparently it annoys people. Eh, like, whatever. So like, is anyone else irritated yet?

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You know I need to develop much, much better cooking skills when a cake recipe like this catches my attention. Suddenly, I’m the god of kitchenery. Or maybe not really. Thanks for the forward, mom.

Finely,,,,,, Christmas cake I think I can make.

Christmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup… Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to supermarket and buy cake.

Bingle Jells!

Now who can’t follow these instructions? Even drunk?

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We didn’t get many calls like this, but when we did, they were the source of many hours of amusement. This punked from a tech support community on LJ I’ve been stalking since my Dell days.

ME: Thank you for calling the support desk. This is ____. May I have your login ID, please?

THEM: (Series of beeps as they punch it into the phone)

ME: Please speak the login ID.

THEM: Wow. You’re well programmed, aren’t you?

ME: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that. What was the login ID?

THEM: _____.

ME: Thank you. Could you please speak your first and last name?

THEM: ____ _____.

ME: Cool. How can we help you today?

THEM: Did you just say ‘cool’?

ME: Yeah.

THEM: You’re not the computer, are you?

ME: Nope.

THEM: You probably think I’m an idiot, don’t you?

ME: For the purposes of quality control, this call may be monitored.

THEM: Is that a polite way of saying ‘yes’?

ME: Bwa ha ha, and all that.

I love my job. And my former job. And any future jobs. Bwa ha ha, and all that.

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I’ve fallen deathly in love with a team seemingly incapable of actually producing consistent victories. I acknowledge this almost daily. And yet, on hockey night, almost without exception, anyone who knows me knows exactly where to find me. I’ve been called sadistic, desperate, and just plain foolish–all of which are probably true. But, I’m a Leafs fan. And for at least 5 years, my favourite team sucks. Once again, I’ll acknowledge it. Once again, I’ll curse at it. And once again, on game night, I’ll be plunked down in front of the TV with something caffinated. They’re my team. And right now, my team sucks. Have a sad, but true, video related to this post. Yes, it’s a pro-Ottawa video. But realisticly, barring amiracle, they might just finish ahead of us in the standings–yet again, so it applies. Besides, it’s the only “Leafs suck” video I could come across. Readers of the RSS variety, and potentially those of you reading on LJ, may have to click over to the actual site to see the video. Sorry.

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We’ve been getting snow, recovering from getting snow, and been forecasted to get even more snow all week. And probably parts of the weekend too, but I haven’t been brave enough to look. So this, yanked shamelessly off Caroline‘s blog, couldn’t be better timed. Thanks, Caroline. Oh, and by the way? If we end up getting this much snow this year, I just want you to know I’m blaming you.

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway
and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life
.
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor
tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s
possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came
back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape
this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We
aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was
very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was
off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought
a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I
can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I
think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to
poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired
to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate
the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24
6″ snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having
a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I’ll drag
him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken
shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching
for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of
shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I
have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her
into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours
of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a
million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove
the broken snow shovel up where the sun don’t shine. The wife went home to
her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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I’ve been dealing with intentional and unintentional breaky smashing of at least two Linux operating systems for the past week and a bit. Including some pretty screwy oopses on the equipment I don’t actually own front. I’ve thought this several times, but Google actually spoke it.

Dec 7 5:47pm: motherfucking linux

Google, for the love of chese, get out of my head. Thank you.

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Countless hours spent over here not doing much on account of waiting for results to come flying at my face have lead me to discover all manner of useless trivia, thanks largely to local media and my tendancy to lerk on the internet. From the things we don’t care about department, we have: Gwyneth Paltrow’s kids have weird accents, according to Gwyneth Paltrow. And, apparently, acting isn’t an adult job according to Colin Firth Neither is politics, but adults still do it. Yes, clearly I’m in need of a distraction or two. God help me.

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This was forwarded to me in the hopes I might have a rant brewing. Truthfully, if I was desperate, I probably could. Sadly, I’m laughing too hard. I don’t usually bother with chain letters–of which this is one, just for the record–but, well, the mockworthy. It’s all over the place. I’ll shove my commentary where appropriate.

Best email ever

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

Gah, the caps. Really. Does the intended audience need to be slapped in the head with the message?

‘My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

Awesome. Really. Oh, by the way, sorry about those not really existent weapons of mass destraction–er I mean destruction. Really. I won’t say we told you so. But we did.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq . This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Why do I get the vague suspicion there’s some kind of vague, christian-esque reference in there? Oh right. Written by the right wing. Sorry.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Sorry, USA. Really. We just got all tied up with cleaning up that other mess you and the UK started. Yeah, you know the one.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THEREAFTER It’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

Again with the bloody caps. Geebus criminy. Also: hello, chain letter writer? Bill Clinton called. He wants his 1990′s platform back.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Yes you are. How else are you gonna justify bombing someone else in 10 years?

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

Done. It’s been a pleasure.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

See: corrupt governments, not supporting of and my response to it.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .

I think France might have just been called third world. Nice.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well.

I wish. Hell, I wish Canada would, too. Say, wasn’t Iraq/Afghanistan all supported by NATO? Way to bite the hand that feeds you.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

Again, didn’t the UN support Iraq/Afghanistan? Biting the hand, again, folks.

A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Thanks for the warning. We’ll be shutting off the oil, now.

Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple thousand extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put ‘em? Yep, border security.

Hot damn, this letter writer *does* have one functioning brain cell. Who’d of thunk it?

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.

Awwe. And we were just getting used to you guys screwing us over with it. Softwood lumber, anyone?

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska -which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

Awesome. Then we won’t lose any sleep over the afore mentioned shutting off of the oil. And hey, you just might save us a few cents at the pump, too. Thanks for that, guys.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, ‘darn tootin.’

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.

Little note, dear author. “Do what we tell you or we’ll bomb the crap out of you” does not constitute trying to help folks live a decent life. Unless you’re George Bush, but you knew that already.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought : You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

Why not? You guys are learning to speak Spannish.

God bless America .. Thank you and good night.’
If you can read this in English, thank a soldier.
(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let’s get this to every USA computer!)

I do thank a soldier, every day. And his wife. My parents taught me to speak it very well, thanks. By the way, redneck is not english. Just for the record.

PS: I despise chain letters. It will not be forwarded. It will, however, be endlessly mocked. Thanks, Candi. It amused me greatly.

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If you live in Ottawa or the valley, you’ve seen craptastical weather. Below freezing, and there’s crap of various types falling from the sky–some of it, from what I’ve been hearing, coming down white. For the record, no, winter didn’t start a month early–though some days, you may wonder. This is what I like to call the winter warm-up.

Just a bit ago, we were treated to a very impressive 20 minutes of freezing rain in Pembroke. I got to run outside with a couple dogs for the tail end of it–lucky, lucky me. And then, just to screw with us, Environment Canada has decided hey, tomorrow we get to see April-style weather. Bright side: minimal actual preparation before going outside. Not so bright side: consistency, let’s have some.

Yeah, you guessed it. I got nothin’. So have a random local weather related blog post instead. More content tomorrow. Or not.

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This is kinda nifty. Scientists apparently may have just found a way to contain antimatter. For the trekkies among the readership, you already get the references. For everyone else, have this as an explanation.

“This is science fiction become science fact,” he said in an interview Wednesday.

Antimatter is one of the mysteries of science.

Matter is essentially anything that has mass and occupies space — basically everything on Earth.

It’s believed matter and antimatter are identical, except that they have an opposite charge and antimatter destroys itself almost immediately.

Now that they can see antimatter, scientists might be able to answer some of the questions about any differences between the two.

Pavan said the amazing device may give some insight into what happened after the Big Bang created the universe.

The wicked that adds to the nifty? All the scientists involved are Canadian–from BC and Alberta, to be absolutely precise. I feel kinda special now. See? And they say you never learn anything from TV.

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Clearly, people weren’t the first to be named after states/provinces. I probably should have known this already, but I’m a little slow on things like this. Fortunately, I have statistics sites and google skills to make up for it. There is actually a Mexican state named Chihuahua. One of last week’s visitors swung in from there. Kinda nifty, in a random sort of way.

Related: Hey, labrador lovers? Thanks for that. Can we borrow that for one of our provinces? No? Too late. Yeah, we have one of those too. That must of been a phase countries were going through. Glad that’s over.

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