No, Simon doesn’t live here. Yes, even if you ask twice.

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I just got off the phone with a nice young lady who apparently was under the mistaken impression this was not actually my apartment. The conversation went something like this.

Lady: I need to speak to Simon, please.
Me: I’m sorry, who?
Lady: Simon.
Me: I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong number.
Lady: I’m pretty sure Simon lives there.
Me: I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.
Lady: Oh. Well, bye.

Telling me you need to talk to a guy who doesn’t live here, and then telling me he lives here, does not mean he lives here. Just general FYI. And if you call me back again, I’m probably going to suggest you put down the crack pipe. Thank you for not listening. Twice.

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