This is college. This was me in college.

Anyone curious why it is I didn’t decide to take my parents up on their strong recommendation that I become an English major need only read this. Sure, it’s intended somewhat to be humourous, but sitting in some of the classes I actually managed to go to while I was in college, sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder if they didn’t vaguely resemble this.

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good
grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that
anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are
studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say Moby Dick is
a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big
white whale roughly 11,000 times. So in your paper, you say Moby Dick is
actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

Nope, sorry. That’d be above my pay grade. I prefer to be locked in a room with only a server or two to fight with. They, at least, don’t tell me I’m wrong.

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