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Because it was requested of me. And I just can’t say no.

My dear almadefortitude,

I’m sorry, but after everything you’ve told me you leave me no choice but to say our afair is over. The one time I thought you might actually be honest with me, like when you put cuffs on me at the mental hospital, and all you could talk about was how you just couldn’t let go of the idea to pull the clothes off my father. I should be ashamed at how aweful I’ve felt, but really, the truth–oh, what little we know of the truth–is nothing in comparison to that which was revealed when you left your ring beside the results of your blood sample. I never openly mocked you, but that’s hardly prevented you from coming by the apartment building just to call me out for expecting this to go anywhere. Well, now you have your wish; it won’t go anywhere.

Good luck on your short-term leave from jail,

And for those of you who want to participate…

1. What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue – our romance is over
Red – our affair is over
White – I’ll join the monastery
Black – I dislike you
Green – our horoscope doesn’t match
Grey – you’re a pervert
Yellow – I’m selling myself
Pink – your nostrils are insulting
Brown – the mafia wants you
No shirt – you’re a loser
Other – I’m inlove with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January – that night
February – last year
March – when your dwarf bit me
April – when I tripped on sesame seeds
May – First of May
June – when you put cuffs on me
July – when I threw up
August – when I saw the shrunken head
September – when we skinny dipped
October – when I quoted Santa
November – when your dog ran amok
December – when I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – in your apartment
Pizza – in your camping car
Pasta – outside of Chicago
Hamburgers – under the bus
Salad – as you ate enchilada
Chicken – in your closet
Kebab – with Paris Hilton
Fish – in women’s clothing
Sandwiches – at the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna – at the mental hospital
Hot dog – under a state of trance
Other – with George Bush and his wife

4. What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow – hit on
Red – insult
Black – ignore
Blue – knock out
Purple – pour syrup on
White – carve your initials into
Grey – pull the clothes off
Brown – put leeches on
Orange – castrate
Pink – pull the toupee off
Barefoot – sit at
Other – drive out

5. What’s the color of your underwear?
Black – my best friend
White – my father
Grey – Bill Clinton
Brown – my fart balloon
Purple – my mustard soufflé
Red – Donald Duck
Blue – my avocado plant
Yellow – my penpal in Ghana
Orange – my Kid Rock-collection
Pink – manchester United’s goalkeeper
None – my John F. Kennedy-statue
Other – the crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs – man
O.C. – emotional
One Tree Hill – open
Heroes – frostbitten
Lost – high
House – scarred
Simpsons – cowardly
The news – mongolic
Idol – masochistic
Family Guy – senile
Top Model – middle-class
Other – ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy – how awful I’ve felt
Sad – how boring you are
Bored – that Santa doesn’t exist
Angry – that your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed – That we’re cousins
Excited – that there is no solution to this.
Nervous – the middle-east
Worried – that your Honda sucks
Apathetic – that I did a sex-change
Ashamed – that I’m allergic to your hamster
Cuddly – that I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous – that I’m open
Other – that Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White – your ring
Yellow – your love letters
Red – your Darth Vader-poster
Black – your tame stone
Blue – the couch cushions
Green – the pictures from LA
Orange – your false teeth
Brown – your contact book
Grey – our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple – your old lottery coupons
Pink – the cut toenails
Other – your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B – your photo
C/D – the oil stocks
E/F – your neighbour Martin
G/H – my virginity
I/J – the results of your blood-sample
K/L – your left ear
M/N – your suicide note
O/P – my common sense
Q/R – your mom
S/T – your collection of butterflies
U/V – your criminal record
W/X – David’s tricot outfits
Y/Z – your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B – always will remember
C/D – never will forget
E/F – always wanted to break
G/H – never openly mocked
I/J – always have felt dirty before
K/L – will tell the authorities about
M/N – told in my confession today about
O/P – was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R – told my psychiatrist about
S/T – get sick when I think of
U/V – always will try to forget
W/X – am better off without
Y/Z – never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- our friendship
Beer – senility
Soft drink – a new life as a clone
Soda – The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk – the apartment building
Wine – cocaine abuse
Cider – a passionate interest for mice
Juice – Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water – embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate – eggplant-fetishism
Whisky – to ruin the second world war
Other – to hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm regards
USA – Best regards
England – Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain – Go and drown yourself
China – Disgusting regards
Germany – With ease
Japan – Go burn
Greece – Your everlasting enemy
Australia – Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Fuck off now
France – In pain

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