The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway
and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life
.
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor
tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s
possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up
by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came
back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape
this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We
aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was
very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was
off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought
a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I
can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I
think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to
poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired
to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate
the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24
6″ snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having
a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I’ll drag
him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken
shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws
snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching
for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of
shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I
have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her
into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours
of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a
million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove
the broken snow shovel up where the sun don’t shine. The wife went home to
her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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Ottawa got hammered yesterday with its first major snow storm of the year, as did the Pembroke area. And, surprising the hell out of me, as did Rochester. We’re still catching it good out there right now, and I’d be laying money on roads not being very fun to drive on this morning. It played with Ottawa and Pembroke, teased us up there, then finally decided to have at it. It didn’t once touch Rochester all month, but when it finally did, I do believe it made up for the teasing. Ladies and gentlemen, fans of Christmas everywhere can now relax. Winter has screwed your travel plans.

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ONTARIO PROVINCIAL POLICE IN THE UPPER OTTAWA VALLEY AND

NORTHUMBERLAND HAVE RESORTED TO SNOWMOBILES FOR TRANSPORTATION.

It’s official. We have way, way, way too much snow around here. Someone south of the border should just come on over and nab half of it. I wouldn’t complain.

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