Tobacco kills people. Everyone knows this. So to try and combat that, a company has come up with an electronic cigarette idea (disclosure: I support this article’s political position, even though I 1: don’t smoke and 2: didn’t link it for its political viewpoints). In the series in question, tobacco is either banned or very hard to come by–the author doesn’t actually specify which one it is, but unless you’re among the rich crowds, you probably don’t have access to it in any case. Instead, people are doing, well, exactly what this article describes.

To the uninitiated, walking into this suburban Toronto bar must look like a throwback to the 1980s. A cloud of what appears to be smoke can be seen hovering over a group at the far end of the establishment. But a quick check of the sense confirms that looks can be deceiving.

The air is fresh, lacking the pungent aroma of burning tobacco; the eyes aren’t watering with the sting of fresh smoke seeping into the sockets; and instead of ash trays and cigarette packs, the tables are full of small bottles of liquid and other pieces of equipment. On this night, a group of Toronto-area electronic cigarette, or e-cigarette, enthusiasts are getting together for their monthly meet-up.

Wouldn’t you know, science fiction does serve a purpose. How many more steps now before smokers get to freely comply with another of my political viewpoints–smoke all you want, but keep it to yourself. Oh well, the idea’s still interesting. And that it looks like it came right out of the only actual series I’ve managed to read through and not completely lose my mind makes it both interesting and amusing. Hell, why not? Let’s see where this thing goes.

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Consider this when planning your next family function. It could be a huge success. Or it could flop. We here at WTN take no responsibility for either–but we *will* take your barely entertaining recordings.

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From: Quigley, Jim [Jim.Quigley@canadorec.on.ca]
Sent: Sun 12/06/2011 8:01 PM
To: info@webmail.com
Subject: System Administration?

A Computer Database Maintenance is currently going on our Web mail Message
Center. Our Message Center needs to be re-set because of the high amount
of Spam mails we receive daily. A Quarantine Maintenance will help us
prevent this everyday dilemma.
To re-validate your mailbox please Click below: CLICK HERE

Failure to re-validate your mailbox will render your e-mail in-active from
our database.
Thanks
System Administrator

Uh oh. I’d better go fix my official-looking email account. Yeah, that one. The one I don’t actually have. Nice try, though, kids. It was 30 seconds of amusement.

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Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

Number 2 TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.

Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this by?

Number 4 TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with… INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.

Number 8 TRY SAYING: That’s interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9 TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

Number 10 TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11 TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues… INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14 TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.

Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18 TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You, Human Resources

Clearly, the individual who came up with these is in need of additional taskings. Or, in english, has too much f_ing time on his hands.

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Verb or Noun: Small sound that is emitted through the nose and mouth, usually a compressed laugh or snort. Often accompanied with a small grin, smirk, or
sneer. Usually a tone of either derision, (as when someone says something you find stupid) or innocent humor. (When someone tells you a funny joke and
you are busy doing something else, so a full-fledged laugh is difficult.)Nice to use behind other’s backs, as when they do something inanely stupid and
you can’t help but laugh about it, but don’t want to fall over laughing.
Holding my lunchtray in one hand and balancing my fork, I snerked as Caroline delivered the punchline of the dead baby joke.

When the girl in front of me pointed at the Mustang and said, “Oh, I like that Camaro.”, I had to snerk discreetly.

There. Now, when next I’m seen somewhere *snerk*ing at some random bit of brainless, don’t ask what the hell *snerk* is. Just join in. Trust me, it’s way more fun.

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May 25 11:15am: ODSP how can I spend it?

Oh, my poor unwitting searcher. Let me count the ways. Let’s see. first, you find an apartment in the middle of nowhere to attempt to call home. Then, you pay the nearly 50% of your maximum entitled income on rent–before luxuries like, say, electricity or phone service (which they don’t count as a necessity anyway, cheap buggers). Or maybe that’s just how I did it. For my next random search-inspired blog post, possibly, how to *save* your ODSP–the screw you over version.

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May 22 11:10pm: open letter to my headache

Good idea, random US googler. Hey, I already got a semi-decent start on it with the two-centence-long mini-letter at the end of this post. I’m heading somewhere.

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I’m not entirely sure if he was intending to channel Springsteen in that speech or if the reference to him was just coincidental, but well, er, it kind of fell over either way. So the folks over at Newstalk1010 in Toronto thought it might be fun to give him a hand with it. They put together a clip of his speech, with “Rise Up” by the Parachute Club as the background. Kind of puts the video above in a different light. I got my hands on the audio of that clip, which will join the video of Ignatieff’s speech–you’ll find that below. Again, readers of the LJ/RSS variety may or may not need to click over to the actual site to listen.

I’m told they didn’t need to make any adjustments whatsoever to Ignatieff’s timing or the music to make this fit. Coincidence? You be the judge. Amusing either way. Now to figure out if he’s trying to be a politician or a revolutionary.

H/T: the National Post’s Full Comment section.

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Slashdot, I think, wasn’t even trying this year. Their post, completely and entirely–I suspect purposely–uneditted and otherwise not anywhere near the type of post I’d expect to see from Slashdot, made a big show of a whole bunch of linux distributions, including Gentoo, merging. Yeah, I fell for it–for approximately .3 seconds. Though, admittedly, something like this would be nice if it were an actual serious thought. Too bad the leaders in those respective communities couldn’t manage to get along enough to make something like that work if they tried–which they probably never actually would. Different philosophies, and all. Kinda like me and Apple–more on that in another, later, caffeine-induced entry.

No one actualy tried to pull one over on me yesterday. My blood pressure, though? May not be quite the same for a while…

Edit: I fail at HTML on laptop. Or typing on laptop, anyway.

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And, in very slightly related news, we’re approaching the 1-year anniversary of this mildly entertaining event. Almost as a cellebration of that episode–the one I felt while doing groceries, of all things, some of us got to experience this 3.5 quake. I didn’t feel this one, but apparently it was semi-nifty. Hopefully the locals I ran into last year didn’t forget the education they were provided…

Edit: And hey look, another one–this one a week or two ago, and hitting the same area roughly as last year’s quake but significantly weaker at about 4.3. Not bad for having gone a couple years quake free in this area.

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• Any kind of network access whatsoever
• Most forms of access to the internet, or at least the less legal portions of the internet
• Any and all versions, local or otherwise, of dropbox–this includes, but is not limited to, the Dropbox website

The reasoning behind it? Uh. We’ve just managed to find a very interesting and quite creative way of putting any and all of the above to our advantage–in quite possibly the most dangerously lethal way possible. Also known as the absolute quickest way of getting material sent to multiple directions without causing mass amounts of headaches. Clearly, we absolutely must be stopped. For our own good.

PS: Sorry, Jessica. We’ve made your computer a casualty tonight. See? Told you it was dangerous.

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• Moving: Jessica got herself all moved in, relatively in one piece and with most of what sanity she has left after dating and being engaged to me intact. Her stuff, thankfully, also made it to the other end in one pice. Find her take on that and several million other things over on her blog. Go now. I’ll wait.
• Technology: I’d started the process before I left, and finished it while down there–in and around the above mentioned move. Shortly before my return to Canada–where I’m currently flaed out now, the new laptop I’d been aiming for met me here. It’s nifty cool, in the wicked sense. Still getting used to using Windows 7 on a more than occasional basis, but hey, so far I’m not complaining much.
• The stupid: there’s acrap ton of it. It starts with local cab companies, and it’ll all warrant separate entries. Again, see the need for more brain power.
• Hockey: the playoffs are closing rappidly in on us. There will be playoff mockery involved. There will not be Leafs recaps involved–again. Ah well. You saw it coming.
• Leafs: I quit. At least for this season. I haven’t done a recap since mid-February. To recap this many games would be both exceedingly spammy and a very good reason to develop a migraine. Naturally it would also double as an excellent exercise in frustration–like all mid to late season attempts at playing the comeback kid do. You’re just not that team, Toronto. Sorry.
• Mockery: Oh, dear lord, the mockery. Not in this post, but the mockery. I’m buried in it. It’ll get posted over the next couple days. Trust me–it’ll be more than worth the wayt.

So that’s kind of where I’ve been. Now, where’d I put my caffeine?

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Everyone was all in general agreement last night we should do that more often. Which probably means I need to start inventing money to get myself back down here for another one of these parties. And, well, hell, because I can–why not? I have all kinds of reasons to keep coming back here, and surprisingly–or perhaps not, if you’re keeping score–not all of them are Jessica-related. Just most of them. This stuff keeps happening, I’m gonna start to wonder just which of my two apartments I should be staying in. Now to get through the week so we can do something just like this all over again, except potentially with a different group of people and for possibly different reasons. This should get real interesting real fast.

Related: Heather, we’re getting you a blog. Yesterday. Because we can. Yeah, I said it. Wait for it.

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My Starbucks tribute.

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If you missed last night’s show because you actually had the good fortune to have a life, you’re lucky. But if you still want to experience that which we affectionately call brain breakage, it’s been rather haphazardly dumped over here. I’ll warn you now, this thing is definitely not fit for public consumption. But since when is anything else I’m involved in? Hope your New Years thinggy was as much fun as ours was. And I really hope this thing doesn’t break the archive system. I don’t even like doing tech support for our own crap for free.

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Finely,,,,,, Christmas cake I think I can make.

Christmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup… Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to supermarket and buy cake.

Bingle Jells!

Now who can’t follow these instructions? Even drunk?

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Best email ever

WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

Gah, the caps. Really. Does the intended audience need to be slapped in the head with the message?

‘My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

Awesome. Really. Oh, by the way, sorry about those not really existent weapons of mass destraction–er I mean destruction. Really. I won’t say we told you so. But we did.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq . This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Why do I get the vague suspicion there’s some kind of vague, christian-esque reference in there? Oh right. Written by the right wing. Sorry.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Sorry, USA. Really. We just got all tied up with cleaning up that other mess you and the UK started. Yeah, you know the one.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THEREAFTER It’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

Again with the bloody caps. Geebus criminy. Also: hello, chain letter writer? Bill Clinton called. He wants his 1990′s platform back.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Yes you are. How else are you gonna justify bombing someone else in 10 years?

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

Done. It’s been a pleasure.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

See: corrupt governments, not supporting of and my response to it.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .

I think France might have just been called third world. Nice.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well.

I wish. Hell, I wish Canada would, too. Say, wasn’t Iraq/Afghanistan all supported by NATO? Way to bite the hand that feeds you.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

Again, didn’t the UN support Iraq/Afghanistan? Biting the hand, again, folks.

A special note to our neighbors: Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Thanks for the warning. We’ll be shutting off the oil, now.

Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple thousand extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put ‘em? Yep, border security.

Hot damn, this letter writer *does* have one functioning brain cell. Who’d of thunk it?

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.

Awwe. And we were just getting used to you guys screwing us over with it. Softwood lumber, anyone?

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska -which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

Awesome. Then we won’t lose any sleep over the afore mentioned shutting off of the oil. And hey, you just might save us a few cents at the pump, too. Thanks for that, guys.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, ‘darn tootin.’

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America . It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.

Little note, dear author. “Do what we tell you or we’ll bomb the crap out of you” does not constitute trying to help folks live a decent life. Unless you’re George Bush, but you knew that already.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought : You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

Why not? You guys are learning to speak Spannish.

God bless America .. Thank you and good night.’
If you can read this in English, thank a soldier.
(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let’s get this to every USA computer!)

I do thank a soldier, every day. And his wife. My parents taught me to speak it very well, thanks. By the way, redneck is not english. Just for the record.

PS: I despise chain letters. It will not be forwarded. It will, however, be endlessly mocked. Thanks, Candi. It amused me greatly.

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Saturday consisted of a huge bunch of us getting together for dinner and talking, with some variety of music or another in the background. Then Jess and I went back to stay with the guests of honour and their family overnight so we could be there for her birthday in the morning. There was a bondfire and more conversation when we got to the house, then the lot of us pretty much went one after the other for the nearest bed and promptly fell into it.

Sunday was pretty low key, though that may or may not have had more to do with the fact her mother stuffed us all to the point I know at least I was considering just rolling away from the table than it did with the weather, which had apparently decided to pick that morning to be nasty at us. We sat around for most of the day, and I finally had an opportunity to introduce Jess to an Adam Sandler movie she hadn’t yet actually seen. The house got busy later on, when several more of their relatives dropped in with birthday wishes, and some stuck around for the dinner they’d planned–which, I think, was only slightly bigger than the breakfast we had that morning. More conversation, more attempts at humour on all sides, and I got a couple snorts out of people with, of all things, a simple ring tone I snagged forever ago from the brother thing. Then it was the typical birthday stuff–opening of cards/gifts, singing happy birthday, cake, ice cream, all the usual shananigans. When that was taken care of, we started to all get back to what served as our usual routines. We were naturally among the last to leave, and ended up hitching a ride with the birthday girl and her husband on account of her mother had offered to drag us home. Got back here, flaked out for a few minutes, and eventually, crashed.

Monday was equally low key, what with the fact we hadn’t actually had a day to just not do much of anything all weekend–it was fun, but that many people gets to messing with your head, even if you’re me. So we sat around being zombies all day. Then came the catching up on pretty much the last 4-5 days of current events in the news, tech and blogging worlds–then it was off we went to pick up right where we left off.

If I had to pick a weekend to not have to be anywhere, this past weekend would have definitely been it. As it turned out, I think all told everyone who was there had a reasonably good time. And with this weekend seeming to be pretty well cut and dry, as much as I’d rather forget my way back to Canada sometimes, if I had to leave, I’d almost prefer it to be on a weekend like this next one. In the meantime, since this weekend hasn’t happened yet, I’m going to go back to my daily routine and pretend I don’t have to go anywhere. Because, hey, it worked before.

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